That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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