All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
