I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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