Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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