you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
