**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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