Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
did you just send me my own nude
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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