all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Watching her eat just hurts me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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