if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
