It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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