He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
