I'm gonna have a badass scar
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
