There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
