I'm pants shitting drunk right now
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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