she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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