Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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