I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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