cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
