Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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