Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
