mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
