Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
