Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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