These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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