then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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