Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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