So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
