I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
