god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
