I met the friendliest cop last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
