bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
