Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
