I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
