you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she peed on how many people?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
