this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
His hands were made for my vagina.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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