I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
