addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
my liver is dry heaving
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