they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
