I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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