9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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