Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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