Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
