You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
