Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
