he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
