I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
