why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
