my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
