you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
