the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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